Getting rid of My Imposter Syndrome (Part II)

After a long time trying to face the problem and looking for alternative solutions, I have come out to what for me has been the best way to get out of the "Imposter syndrome hole" in which I find myself very often.

I love reading and watching documentaries and reading people's blogs about this and I have tried most things, some have worked for me some haven't. So I have picked to what in my opinion were the best approaches to get over the anxiety that I-syndrome causes me, this is my 10-ways list:

1. "It is okay", "it is normal", "we all struggle with this", "it is okay to say it and to talk about it"

Knowing that approximately 90% of researchers worldwide could experience the imposter syndrome at some point in their careers, made me realize I should be in the "Right path" then! 

Sometimes its good to know that I could talk about this with a co-worker, a colleague or with my supervisor and they will agree with me that it is hard, it is sad, and it is okay to feel it.

What it's NOT okay is to remain there, so the first step for me was knowing I'm not crazy! it is okay to feel like this, which made me feel slightly better. Now, I need to find the reasons and look for a way out!

2. "Not because I feel like a fraud means that I am"

Dr. Young says that it is important to separate the feelings from the facts, and on this occasion, I agree. 

I used to make a list of the things I was bad at (during my down days) because I thought that looking at my defects I could make a plan to be better, always trying to be better and better, no matter what!

but I never made a list of the things I am actually good at!

So, during my last I-Syndrome episode, I started this new "challenge". For a whole week I wrote good things about me, and I separated them into categories: professionally, personally, mentally and physically; after four (4) days I started feeling better, on the 7th day I was believing in myself again, but "the reason" that made me feel sad was still there! what changed was my perspective about that issue. This was so healing!

3. "Change of activity for a day ... or two"

What is that thing you like doing but you never "have time" to do it?

I enjoy arts in general, whether is painting, drawing, dancing, singing in the shower, visiting an art museum... I find it relaxing and fulfilling!

In my last IS episode, I was doing boring grocery shopping and I bumped a massive pumpkin sale (for Halloween) and my brain couldn't stop thinking about my Halloween memories, carving pumpkins with funny or scary faces, wearing a fancy dress, decorating my house... my head was flying!

... at this point, I was conscious about what I was going through so I decided to follow that feeling-good emotion!

Just the fact that I went for something unplanned was already healing, but when I started carving my pumpkin... wow! I couldn't stop smiling, I loved it. My face changed straight away!

The day after I would say yes to go and watch a movie, or to go for a 5K run, it was like a switch off. I stopped thinking about what made me feel bad and for two days I focused on what makes me smile. after that, I was ready to start over again recharged and positive!

Happy pumpkin, happy me!

4. "Yeah, I was wrong! I am going to make corrections now"

Accepting that I make mistakes and that is part of my learning has been a great discovery for me. I used to think that supervisors were like grumpy bosses to whom you had to present "pure immaculate" pieces of novel writing! (yeah ridiculous).

I learned that handing my unfinished writing for draft review is a good way to gradually make small changes that in overall could reduce the number of major corrections I would have to do otherwise, and it is a good way to avoid feeling like a fraud with all those red-corrections in your document!

I am only human, I have to make mistakes to learn! 

⛵"No calm sean made a sailor expert"🌊

5. Love yourself, with your defects

I like doing things right, and I don't think this is bad quality, I like to present my work the best way possible and I LOVE ME for that, I feel embarrassed if someone sees my mess, I think is disrespectful with other people's time to present something in a bad state. 

When you pay for a car wash you expect your car to be completely clean don't you? otherwise, you would complain and ask for your money back! That is how I look at my work; my scholarship, the company I work for, my family, my supervisor all of them are investing in me, either financially, emotionally or academically and they expect me to deliver the best way possible, and I am NOT saying perfectly!

For this reason, I like to be polished in my work, I like to look at it and say, "such a beauty" I don't like incomplete work, but juicy and substantial.

Is that a defect? well, some people may argue that it is, but just thinking about changing that, makes me yikes! The thing is, I love me because of that! I AM PROUD of always aiming for the best, and this is my self-motivation, this is what moves me forward. 

And this doesn't only involve writing work, it is everything in my life, my self-care, my hygiene, my relationships, my artwork, my cooking. I like things to be well done, I like a clean house, I like a tidy desk to work on, I enjoy a clean work-space. I think that when your house is messy and your office is messy and your physical appearance is messy then, there is something going on with you, either is mentally or emotionally, and that is the first sign friends or family should look at and offer support... again, in my opinion...

6. "Take the risk to do things you aren't fully trained to do yet"

Why not? there is only one way to know how to do it right? 

I used to panic about new methodologies or the use of equipment in the lab, and I was too ashamed of asking for help, but in the end, the only one who never learned was me!

So it is a matter of breaking the ice, I used to think everyone else knew how to manipulate equipment in my lab, until one day I secretly asked a colleague and she said, "I was going to ask you because I don't know either" so by me trying to explain to her how to do it, I ended up learning! 

The same happened when I did my first teaching during my P.hD. I wasn't an expert in the field, apparently, it was "super easy" just "basic level" the manager said, I just smiled and signed a contract! I had to teach 12 hours something I wasn't fully trained at, but I needed the experience, so I spent hours the night before reading, practicing it, watching youtube videos, repeating my speech in front of the mirror... Believe it or not, I have been teaching the same module for 3 years now! and I don't think I am still an expert, but I am very confident at it, and I know where to look if I don't know what to do!

7. "Talk with someone outside academia..."

Sometimes I spend way too much time with P.hD researchers, professors, lecturers, lab technicians, etc, and inevitably I am always talking about the same thing over and over again... to the point that the people I go for a pint with, are academics, the ones I train at the gym with, are academics, the ones I date, are academics... and at least in my experience that was exhausting! 

My first boyfriend when I started my P.hD was my gym instructor (yeah that is another story), one of the things I learned from that relationship was that it is cool to spend a weekend without talking about the contaminated DNA kit that is damaging my extractions or that experiment that is not working, but instead talking about other things, politics, religion, cultures, going hiking and considering adopting a cat! things that are also important for our mental health, family, friends, love! I really admire couples that both works in academia but manage to separate things and have a happy relationship, I couldn't do that!

I started having friends with different backgrounds and I find it exciting and different from what for me is "normal" for them I am "the weird one", "the hippie", "that one that wants to save the world!" and that is okay! if I need a break from the work pressure, I go with them and I can have a full switch off! from making a "food party" at home to having a sleepover with friends and do our nails, hair, makeup, all kind of girly stuff! and I enjoy it a lot! 

Actually, it is a good way to engage with the non-scientific audience!! it's a win-win!

If you can do this, I highly recommend it!

8. "A small step for humanity, a massive step for me"

Celebrate your victories!! you don't need a stamp of approval for every single thing you do! but who says you can't celebrate yourself for it?

If today your electrophoresis gel ran perfectly and you took a great picture of your bands, nobody is going to make a party for it (because that is what you are supposed to do...) but what people don't realize is that for you it took months of trial, days of DNA contamination, days of frustration, so go and get yourself an ice cream or a piece of cake! or whatever makes you happy as a way to celebrate your baby steps!

Learn to make mistakes and to amend them but also learn to celebrate when things go well! this is so good! plus you have an excuse to eat that cake! don't worry those calories don't count! :)

9. "Don't forget to eat healthily, do some cardio, drink plenty of water and practice some meditation and self-reflection"

Independently of which part of the imposter syndrome you are at this moment, it is important to still look after yourself. If you are like me that live far away from family or without anyone who could look after you when you are feeling down, it is necessary that you make sure you won't faint for no eating, or dehydrate, or get into a panic attack or even worst things! mental health is as important as physical health and they work together, not separately!

I know, when you are feeling down you don't want to cook or eat, the easiest way is to order a fatty take away or eat a full tub of ice cream (the sweetest one with 5000 kcal per spoon), but, how long can you maintain that lifestyle? feeling down is inevitable, remain in the sh*t is optional! 

What I have learned to do, is to keep in my cupboard some healthy snacks and some not-too healthy (but also not the worst option) for those days that I need an extra boost of energy and happiness, so as an example,

1. A bar of 70% dark chocolate
2. Low calories ice cream tub (my fav is salted caramel)
3. Mixed nuts
4. Low sugar Cocoa-coated crispy rice (cereal)
5. Greek yogurt
6. Oatcakes
7. Assorted flavored tea
8. Sparkling water (I mix it with lemon and stevia and it's a healthier lemonade)
9. Low sugar hazelnut spread
10.Wholemeal tortilla wraps (in case I want to make quesadillas or a sweet hazelnut wrap yummy!)
11.Popcorn

Also, I try to make meal prep, so I don't have to think about cooking every day, but simply open the fridge, grab a food container, 3 mins microwave, food ready! (if you don't want to do the dishes it's okay! just make sure you leave the dishes soaking in soapy water!!).

My last advice is to keep yourself in a positive space, even if you are not feeling positive, change your bedding for fresh clean ones, wash your hair, play the "anxiety dance playlist" on Spotify, Go for a little walk to the nearest park, doesn't have to be a long one, can be just 10 minutes, but take some fresh air, keep yourself away from awful news or social media, fill yourself only with good things at least during those days.

10. "Impermanence"

I love this last one, 

Within the multiple ways I have found to love myself, I learned about Buddhism and Hinduism wisdom.
I will write about this later, but, pretty much the term Impermanence (the first of the three marks of existence) means "the absence of permanence and continuity" which I interpret as "you won't stay like this forever", "this down feeling won't last forever!", there are good days and bad days! that is natural!

So, if you are going through Imposter Syndrome right now, it is okay, don't worry! that awful feeling will go away in the next couple of days, don't panic!

Keep yourself surrounded by good vibe, try to think positive, it is not the end of the world even if it looks like it... keep calm, breathe... you will be fine!


Let love be your energy!



Vanessa.

My imposter syndrome map hanging on my wall