Imposter Syndrome Part I
Today, I am not feeling great.
I am finishing my Ph.D. in Environmental ecology, I love my job I must admit it! But doing a high qualification is a very time-consuming and mentally demanding activity.
I have always been happy about my life choice and often like talking about how cool and rewarding my job is; however, when the doors are closed, sometimes I PANIC. Usually feel I am not good enough, or that my research level isn't as great as people's expectations on me, and that is very stressful.
I often feel confident about my skills, however, I'm also guilty at comparing my achievements to others and feel frustrated at not meeting society or my supervisory team's expectations.
"An ideal Ph.D. researcher would have published a scientific paper per year of study" I heard that the other day while walking by the uni halls, "Oh! how great my Ph.D. student is! he just published his 4th paper and he is still a year left to finish" ... that day I cried the whole day! I wasn't jealous of this person I don't even know! I was disappointed at myself! I just applied for an extension because I couldn't meet my initial Ph.D. plan! how come someone published 4 papers in 3 years and I haven't finished my first? such a horrible day!
I didn't meet that amazing achievement!... for me takes way longer to get a paper done, I constantly keep re-writing my documents because I don't feel they are good enough. I'm likely to procrastinate for a whole day (or week) and clean my bedroom, make meal prep, spend 3 hours at the gym, going for a 10K run... all that sh*t the modern world says you should do if you want to have a great body, health, bla bla bla...
Eventually, I feel so sad about myself that I don't even want to get up from my bed and go work, sometimes I don't even want to eat or talk with anyone or just even see the sunlight because I'm thinking "how could I possibly do this research if I am not skillful enough?" and often I grab a pen and write all the things I'm bad at and imagining how great would be my life If I were that smart.
I could cite plenty of reasons to blame and take the pressure out of my shoulders, but the truth is that I will rather be taking responsibility for the things that are meant to be at my control. I constantly think that I should have done more or pushed myself harder all those previous years. The thing is, by the time, I was going through other issues, mentally, physically and financially and I was feeling like I was doing my 100%.
Last week, I was in a meeting with one of my students and suddenly, I started crying! saying "I'm a Fraud!" imagine that poor 21 years-old guy who looks for my guidance in the position of giving me some? But he did something amazing, he reminded me I am NOT a fraud the nicest way I have seen, he got me a coffee cup (so I can get shit done) and a little note saying "Vanessa, you are NOT a fraud x" after that I couldn't stop smiling!.
Believe it or not, this is a common thought in most people working in academia or at high demanding jobs, and it involves a huge part of our unconscious self. It is a psychological phenomenon worldwide know as "Imposter Syndrome" the reasons of why it happens or how depend on each individual but basically is the belief that you don't have the skills or enough knowledge to undertake "that" job, despite the evidence shows you are fully capable, deep inside your head you believe that whatever your CV says, isn't good enough to be successful in that field.
I have been reading a LOT about this topic lately, and even when I have attended to lectures and workshops about this, it is unlikely to predict when would you have an episode or if you would be able to understand "oh, right now I'm having an imposter syndrome" NO! unless you learn how to understand the symptoms from the beginning, I consider it unlikely that you fully comprehend what is happening to you.
One of the readings I have found more helpful is the book "The Secret Thoughts of Successful Women: Why Capable People Suffer From the Imposter Syndrome and How to Thrive in Spite of It" written by Dr. Valerie Young; in it she defines the 5-types of I-Syndrome you could experience and she provides tips on how to deal and how to recover from it.
Now, although my intention with this blog isn't to spoil your reading I want to point out these I-Syndrome types she mentioned and briefly summarise what it is and how could a person "get better" from it (it helped me a lot),
1. The perfectionist: A person that sets excessively high goals for himself, and when he/she fails to reach a goal, experience major self-doubt and worry about measuring up.
Does this sound familiar to you?
- Do you feel like your work must be 100% perfect, 100% of the time?
- Do you find it hard to delegate? nobody can do the job properly apart from yourself?
- Do you constantly accuse yourself of not being good enough?
- When enough is enough for you?
What can you do?
-Try to cultivate self-confidence
- It is okay to be wrong sometimes, it is part of learning
- Nobody is 100% good at something, mistakes are part of being good!
- Teamwork is more PRODUCTIVE than alone-work, plus it gets finished in a shorter time, which means, more time for having a life!
2. The superman/woman: A person that thinks he/she can do everything in record time and it is all perfect and precise. It is just a false cover-up for their insecurities, and consequently, the work overload may harm not only their own mental health but also their relationships with others.
Does this sound familiar to you?
- Do you stay later at the office than the rest of the team, even past the point that you’ve completed that day’s necessary work?
-Do you get stressed when you’re not working and find downtime completely wasteful?
-How is your social life? partner? family? what do they say about your workaholic situation?
- Have you left your hobbies and passions fall by the wayside, sacrificed to work?
What can you do?
-Start training yourself to STOP waiting for external validation, you should recognize when you have done enough and when its time to switch off, have a life, spend quality time with family and friends, meditate, etc.
- You DON'T need a stamp of approval!
-Work on constructive criticism rather in personal harmful bias critics! make it objective, realistic and less personal.
3. The natural genius: A person that thinks intelligence comes with nature, "you born smart or you don't", there isn't an in-between stage. And you can't become great if your "natural" intelligence is limited. These people don’t only judge themselves based on unrealistic expectations, they also judge themselves based on getting things right on the first try. When they can't do something fast, they panic and the anxiety comes.
Does this sound familiar to you?
- Were you told as a child that you were the “smart one” in your family or school?
- Do you dislike the idea of having someone to tell you what to do? or how? because you can do it without help as it is obvious and simple to make?
- Do you always want to take the longer path, just because you think nobody else can follow you over there so that would make you worth more compliments for making it "the hard way"?
What can you do?
-You are a work in progress! a machine that needs constant learning, mistakes are part of life and without them, we would never know what is good or wrong!
- Not all ways take you to Rome! Not necessarily the longest, time-consuming path is the best, maybe there is a reason why there is also a shorter-path! short means less time on it and more time on other exciting things!
- Changing habits and behaviors could lead you to accomplish more achievements than keep trying without changing yourself first!
4. The soloist: A person that refuses to work with somebody else as it might look the accomplishment doesn't only belong to him/her but to the team. This person feels the need to prove he/she is worth having in a company/team because can do team-work by himself! a worth-hiring person!
Does this sound familiar to you?
-I don't need anyone else's help! I can do it myself!
-Do you think other people's job isn't as good as yours?
-Do you feel anything could be a competence for you? if someone else does something similar to your work, you get in a panic attack because you don't want this person to make it better?
What can you do?
- Love yourself, but DON'T overestimate you! you are human, you are supposed to make mistakes.
- More people working on the same topic is actually a good idea! means more research towards the same objective! The more discussion points, the greater the understanding of a topic!
- Working alone is boring! you need someone to make not-funny scientific jokes with!
5. The expert: A person that believes that the more training and experience in a field the better! Believing they will never know enough, make them panic to be exposed as inexperienced or unknowledgeable.
Does this sound familiar to you?
-You are constantly applying to any course/workshop/seminar/conference you might find online, as the more knowledge the better, you don't know enough about that topic and it might be useful for your current job! even if you are turning 45 (are a senior researcher, have plenty of papers about that topic) and the course is for early-career, or graduate students, you think you can still apply!!
- Do you shy away from applying to job postings unless you meet every single educational requirement?
- Do you measure your skills at the number of degrees, papers, certificates you might have instead of at the actual experience you have in the topic and your self-confidence?.
What can you do?
- We will never know everything about a topic, even if you are 75 years old and have worked 65 years on the same topic. It is very TRUE that the tendency to endlessly seek out more information can actually be a form of procrastination.
- You don't need to know every single thing, there’s no shame in asking for help when you need it. If you don’t know how to do something, ask a co-worker.
I have to be honest, when I measured myself under those "types" I found that at some point of my life I have kind of been all of them (not all together or at the same time). The key here is to understand what is actually making you so anxious and work from it.
Seeking for help is OKAY and talking about it is a GREAT way out! even me, after writing this, It is helping me to be more aware of what is happening to me and to find ways that could help me get out of it!
I don't want/need to be the BEST Ph.D. researcher of the world, I just want to finish my research and start a new one after! I NEED to believe that my contribution, big or small will improve in one way or another the knowledge that previously existed about my research topic and THAT IS AMAZING!
I CAN and I WILL get this done and still will have a life, will be kind with myself, and be a good human being!
Hope you find this helpful,
Let love be your energy!
Vanessa.
... to be continued.
I am finishing my Ph.D. in Environmental ecology, I love my job I must admit it! But doing a high qualification is a very time-consuming and mentally demanding activity.
I have always been happy about my life choice and often like talking about how cool and rewarding my job is; however, when the doors are closed, sometimes I PANIC. Usually feel I am not good enough, or that my research level isn't as great as people's expectations on me, and that is very stressful.
I often feel confident about my skills, however, I'm also guilty at comparing my achievements to others and feel frustrated at not meeting society or my supervisory team's expectations.
"An ideal Ph.D. researcher would have published a scientific paper per year of study" I heard that the other day while walking by the uni halls, "Oh! how great my Ph.D. student is! he just published his 4th paper and he is still a year left to finish" ... that day I cried the whole day! I wasn't jealous of this person I don't even know! I was disappointed at myself! I just applied for an extension because I couldn't meet my initial Ph.D. plan! how come someone published 4 papers in 3 years and I haven't finished my first? such a horrible day!
I didn't meet that amazing achievement!... for me takes way longer to get a paper done, I constantly keep re-writing my documents because I don't feel they are good enough. I'm likely to procrastinate for a whole day (or week) and clean my bedroom, make meal prep, spend 3 hours at the gym, going for a 10K run... all that sh*t the modern world says you should do if you want to have a great body, health, bla bla bla...
Eventually, I feel so sad about myself that I don't even want to get up from my bed and go work, sometimes I don't even want to eat or talk with anyone or just even see the sunlight because I'm thinking "how could I possibly do this research if I am not skillful enough?" and often I grab a pen and write all the things I'm bad at and imagining how great would be my life If I were that smart.
I could cite plenty of reasons to blame and take the pressure out of my shoulders, but the truth is that I will rather be taking responsibility for the things that are meant to be at my control. I constantly think that I should have done more or pushed myself harder all those previous years. The thing is, by the time, I was going through other issues, mentally, physically and financially and I was feeling like I was doing my 100%.
Last week, I was in a meeting with one of my students and suddenly, I started crying! saying "I'm a Fraud!" imagine that poor 21 years-old guy who looks for my guidance in the position of giving me some? But he did something amazing, he reminded me I am NOT a fraud the nicest way I have seen, he got me a coffee cup (so I can get shit done) and a little note saying "Vanessa, you are NOT a fraud x" after that I couldn't stop smiling!.Believe it or not, this is a common thought in most people working in academia or at high demanding jobs, and it involves a huge part of our unconscious self. It is a psychological phenomenon worldwide know as "Imposter Syndrome" the reasons of why it happens or how depend on each individual but basically is the belief that you don't have the skills or enough knowledge to undertake "that" job, despite the evidence shows you are fully capable, deep inside your head you believe that whatever your CV says, isn't good enough to be successful in that field.
I have been reading a LOT about this topic lately, and even when I have attended to lectures and workshops about this, it is unlikely to predict when would you have an episode or if you would be able to understand "oh, right now I'm having an imposter syndrome" NO! unless you learn how to understand the symptoms from the beginning, I consider it unlikely that you fully comprehend what is happening to you.One of the readings I have found more helpful is the book "The Secret Thoughts of Successful Women: Why Capable People Suffer From the Imposter Syndrome and How to Thrive in Spite of It" written by Dr. Valerie Young; in it she defines the 5-types of I-Syndrome you could experience and she provides tips on how to deal and how to recover from it.
Now, although my intention with this blog isn't to spoil your reading I want to point out these I-Syndrome types she mentioned and briefly summarise what it is and how could a person "get better" from it (it helped me a lot),
1. The perfectionist: A person that sets excessively high goals for himself, and when he/she fails to reach a goal, experience major self-doubt and worry about measuring up.
Does this sound familiar to you?
- Do you feel like your work must be 100% perfect, 100% of the time?
- Do you find it hard to delegate? nobody can do the job properly apart from yourself?
- Do you constantly accuse yourself of not being good enough?
- When enough is enough for you?
What can you do?
-Try to cultivate self-confidence
- It is okay to be wrong sometimes, it is part of learning
- Nobody is 100% good at something, mistakes are part of being good!
- Teamwork is more PRODUCTIVE than alone-work, plus it gets finished in a shorter time, which means, more time for having a life!
2. The superman/woman: A person that thinks he/she can do everything in record time and it is all perfect and precise. It is just a false cover-up for their insecurities, and consequently, the work overload may harm not only their own mental health but also their relationships with others.
Does this sound familiar to you?
- Do you stay later at the office than the rest of the team, even past the point that you’ve completed that day’s necessary work?
-Do you get stressed when you’re not working and find downtime completely wasteful?
-How is your social life? partner? family? what do they say about your workaholic situation?
- Have you left your hobbies and passions fall by the wayside, sacrificed to work?
What can you do?
-Start training yourself to STOP waiting for external validation, you should recognize when you have done enough and when its time to switch off, have a life, spend quality time with family and friends, meditate, etc.
- You DON'T need a stamp of approval!
-Work on constructive criticism rather in personal harmful bias critics! make it objective, realistic and less personal.
3. The natural genius: A person that thinks intelligence comes with nature, "you born smart or you don't", there isn't an in-between stage. And you can't become great if your "natural" intelligence is limited. These people don’t only judge themselves based on unrealistic expectations, they also judge themselves based on getting things right on the first try. When they can't do something fast, they panic and the anxiety comes.
Does this sound familiar to you?
- Were you told as a child that you were the “smart one” in your family or school?
- Do you dislike the idea of having someone to tell you what to do? or how? because you can do it without help as it is obvious and simple to make?
- Do you always want to take the longer path, just because you think nobody else can follow you over there so that would make you worth more compliments for making it "the hard way"?
What can you do?
-You are a work in progress! a machine that needs constant learning, mistakes are part of life and without them, we would never know what is good or wrong!
- Not all ways take you to Rome! Not necessarily the longest, time-consuming path is the best, maybe there is a reason why there is also a shorter-path! short means less time on it and more time on other exciting things!
- Changing habits and behaviors could lead you to accomplish more achievements than keep trying without changing yourself first!
4. The soloist: A person that refuses to work with somebody else as it might look the accomplishment doesn't only belong to him/her but to the team. This person feels the need to prove he/she is worth having in a company/team because can do team-work by himself! a worth-hiring person!
Does this sound familiar to you?
-I don't need anyone else's help! I can do it myself!
-Do you think other people's job isn't as good as yours?
-Do you feel anything could be a competence for you? if someone else does something similar to your work, you get in a panic attack because you don't want this person to make it better?
What can you do?
- Love yourself, but DON'T overestimate you! you are human, you are supposed to make mistakes.
- More people working on the same topic is actually a good idea! means more research towards the same objective! The more discussion points, the greater the understanding of a topic!
- Working alone is boring! you need someone to make not-funny scientific jokes with!
5. The expert: A person that believes that the more training and experience in a field the better! Believing they will never know enough, make them panic to be exposed as inexperienced or unknowledgeable.
Does this sound familiar to you?
-You are constantly applying to any course/workshop/seminar/conference you might find online, as the more knowledge the better, you don't know enough about that topic and it might be useful for your current job! even if you are turning 45 (are a senior researcher, have plenty of papers about that topic) and the course is for early-career, or graduate students, you think you can still apply!!
- Do you shy away from applying to job postings unless you meet every single educational requirement?
- Do you measure your skills at the number of degrees, papers, certificates you might have instead of at the actual experience you have in the topic and your self-confidence?.
What can you do?
- We will never know everything about a topic, even if you are 75 years old and have worked 65 years on the same topic. It is very TRUE that the tendency to endlessly seek out more information can actually be a form of procrastination.
- You don't need to know every single thing, there’s no shame in asking for help when you need it. If you don’t know how to do something, ask a co-worker.
I have to be honest, when I measured myself under those "types" I found that at some point of my life I have kind of been all of them (not all together or at the same time). The key here is to understand what is actually making you so anxious and work from it.
Seeking for help is OKAY and talking about it is a GREAT way out! even me, after writing this, It is helping me to be more aware of what is happening to me and to find ways that could help me get out of it!
I don't want/need to be the BEST Ph.D. researcher of the world, I just want to finish my research and start a new one after! I NEED to believe that my contribution, big or small will improve in one way or another the knowledge that previously existed about my research topic and THAT IS AMAZING!
I CAN and I WILL get this done and still will have a life, will be kind with myself, and be a good human being!
Hope you find this helpful,
Let love be your energy!
Vanessa.
... to be continued.
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